Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
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Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Breaking news:
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.