@pixelatedboat

Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop

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@jergarl

After walking 500 miles and then 500 more, it turns out the door was mediocre at best. 3/5 stars.

@ShellHasDragons

I have a high forehead, which is pretty crap when you realise it had no grass

@Vodkantots

My tampon just leaked during my bath and now it looks like I made a tub full of passion fruit tea.

@girl_a_whirl

Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.

@englishjer

Btw it’s the year of the pig – not pork or bacon. Pork is the meat, and bacon is a thin strip of pork from specific area of the pig. Also, there can be other types of bacon, like turkey or Kevin.

@Browtweaten

Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr

@SamSkoronski

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

@animadvertguy

[Sky-diving]
INSTRUCTOR: pull your shute!
ME: my shoe?
INSTRUCTOR: your parachute!
ME: my pair of shoes?
[later]
CORONER: where’s his shoes?

@Book_Krazy

*Aquarium

GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus

ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok