ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
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[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.