*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
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After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.