Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
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[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Thoughts
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip