*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
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Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Mom: You need to get a hobby.
Me: Like photography?
Mom: I don’t think stalking the garbageman is a hobby.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.