Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
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I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.