Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.

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*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*


Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.


Mom: You need to get a hobby.

Me: Like photography?

Mom: I don’t think stalking the garbageman is a hobby.


Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion



(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)


Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.


Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.


“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.


Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive


I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs