*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
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I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I don’t have tinted windows on my car because if people don’t like watching me dance, they can tint their own goddamn windows.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
So what’s a personal strength?
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
If a recipe tells me to drain the fat I stop reading immediately
M: How’s my kid doing in school?
T: How’s my kid doing in school?
I hate parrot teacher conferences
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR