@Chumpstring

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

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@flashember

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

@3_livi

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

@SwoonTwang

I don’t have tinted windows on my car because if people don’t like watching me dance, they can tint their own goddamn windows.

@Laser_Cat

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

@Brianhopecomedy

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: Hello
Teacher: Hello
M: How’s my kid doing in school?
T: How’s my kid doing in school?

I hate parrot teacher conferences

@Browtweaten

Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR