safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
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true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?