[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
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Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
water it, i dare you
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
the dark web is just a goth google.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.