@DaddyJew

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.

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@SnarkyMommy78

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

@Fat_Jalbert

Waiter: how would you like your steak?
Me: rare
[later]
Waiter: *brings steak with a 1st edition Charizard on it*
Me: *tearing up* perfect

@1MeLrO

Shutting down the bars and liquor stores and my daughters college for the semester.

You want to see a triggered new 21 year old

FML

@OctopusCavemann

St. Peter: Welcome to Heaven

Me: Wow! An open bar!

St. Peter: You have to be dead 21 years to drink

Me: *slips him a fake ID*

St. Peter: Enjoy yourself Mr. Grunge Music

@sexncake

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

@caithuls

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

@TheWidowmakerX

Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..

One. Kernel. At. A. Time.

@lloydrang

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

@rickolantern

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice