Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.

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Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today


Waiter: how would you like your steak?
Me: rare
Waiter: *brings steak with a 1st edition Charizard on it*
Me: *tearing up* perfect


Shutting down the bars and liquor stores and my daughters college for the semester.

You want to see a triggered new 21 year old



St. Peter: Welcome to Heaven

Me: Wow! An open bar!

St. Peter: You have to be dead 21 years to drink

Me: *slips him a fake ID*

St. Peter: Enjoy yourself Mr. Grunge Music


Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.


Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!


Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..

One. Kernel. At. A. Time.


1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”


Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice