@DaddyJew
@SnarkyMommy78
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
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@SnarkyMommy78
@Fat_Jalbert
Waiter: how would you like your steak?
Me: rare
[later]
Waiter: *brings steak with a 1st edition Charizard on it*
Me: *tearing up* perfect
@1MeLrO
Shutting down the bars and liquor stores and my daughters college for the semester.
You want to see a triggered new 21 year old
FML
@OctopusCavemann
St. Peter: Welcome to Heaven
Me: Wow! An open bar!
St. Peter: You have to be dead 21 years to drink
Me: *slips him a fake ID*
St. Peter: Enjoy yourself Mr. Grunge Music
@sexncake
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
@caithuls
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
@TheWidowmakerX
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
@lloydrang
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
@rickolantern
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
@theDanLawler
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.