@Gwinifer

Safe to say a good 38% of my life is spent trying to sleep while the 18yr old stomps through the house like an angry triceratops.

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@GrantTanaka

[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football

@lincnotfound

john hancock spilled baked beans on the declaration of independence then tried to cover it up & the real reason nicolas cage stole it was to prove this theory correct, thus making national treasure a documentary & why massachusetts is known for baked beans. in this thesis i will

@iamTannenbaum

[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]

Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!

@MantisBlue

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

@juneohara65

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

@LoisShearing

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

@That_Damn_Duck

In a recent survey 9 out of 10 bros actually chose Ho’s over each other.

@jeffswarens

Anyone who uses the phrase “easy as taking candy from a baby” has never tried taking candy from a baby.

@TheAndrewNadeau

Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.

@Beerhaze

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.