Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
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Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?