[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
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Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn