[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
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To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?