@Henry_3000

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

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@afiercemind

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.

@generaldietz

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

@Iwriteforcats

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

@TomE83_

Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.

@JonasPolsky

Getting white carpet installed, then inviting everyone over for a spaghetti sauce and red wine party.

@funflaps

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

@ThaJawn

What if the washer has been stealing the socks and we have just been blaming the dryer?

@OllyiConic

After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

@chrisdowning

The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.

@truegritrumble

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.