Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
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My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.