Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

You Might Also Like


I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.


NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom


Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.


Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.


Getting white carpet installed, then inviting everyone over for a spaghetti sauce and red wine party.


[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?


What if the washer has been stealing the socks and we have just been blaming the dryer?


After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.


The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.


DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
ME: Get my money’s worth.