Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
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What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.