4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
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13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*