@Sorrowscopes

Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.

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@Michael1979

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

@sweb74

Studies found that 1 in 4 men are gay, meaning someone in my close group of friends is gay. I hope its Dave, he’s really cute…

@Cpin42

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.

@undeadmolly

A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.

@mrs_campfire

STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Rachel is KIND

Monica is NURTURING

Joey is CONSIDERATE

Phoebe is TALENTED

Ross

Chandler is FUNNY

@arielleBigBlue

When a guy wearing shorts and sandals to a bar is picking out songs on the jukebox, it’s going to end badly for everyone.

@murrman5

[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS

@PabloGSerski

Justin Bieber’s to be the new face of Calvin Klein. Awful news given he does such a terrible job of being the current face of Justin Bieber.