Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
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You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
BRO LMFAO
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
it must be school picture day
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
I’m giving up ice.