@Sorrowscopes

Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.

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@SlappNuttz

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.

@3dog101

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

@ewfeez

*getting turned away at airport security*
But these are my emotional support bees

@3sunzzz

My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.

@NuclearBavarian

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

@StumpWoodley

The first time I bit into a Cadbury egg I understood women who spit.

@iwearaonesie

son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

@generaldietz

Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one