@DurtMcHurtt

[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

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@1MeLrO

If you can’t kill them with kindness

A shovel will do

@Aspersioncast

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

@awesomeseank

My wife has her period so I suggested swimming, beach volleyball and a horseback ride. She told me to piss off. Commercials are misleading.

@AuthorGaylord

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

@Xalqee

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

@shariv67

I sleep with a knife under my pillow. You never know when someone is going to break in and give you a cake.

@Rrrrnessa

Next dude that complains about the friendzone will be step-son zoned. I will literally marry your dad and step-son zone you. Try me.

@TheBoydP

I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…

@ItsLaTourette

It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing

@MavenofHonor

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring