I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
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“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Damn he played himself
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.