@GavinProbably

Said “large” today at Starbucks, and everyone starting chanting “Venti, Venti, Venti!” and a mass suicide occurred.

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@scottthetwat

The FBI agents that will eventually search your basement
won’t be able to sleep for a very long time.

@JMScomedy

If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.

@SuperRandomish

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

@envydatropic

Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.

@RandomRamblr

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

@daddydoubts

Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.

@alldrolledup

It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

@sandjoeman

People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.

@CoryBooker

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!