@GavinProbably

Said “large” today at Starbucks, and everyone starting chanting “Venti, Venti, Venti!” and a mass suicide occurred.

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@BoogTweets

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

@juneohara65

My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

@iMikosnyc

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

@Reverend_Scott

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

@JeremyKCMO

You drunkenly fall into one bathtub with your pants around your ankles, breaking the curtain rod and all of a sudden, everyone is a critic

@thepaulahunt

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

@pleatedjeans

[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]

@JasonLastname

Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.

@WheelTod

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

@batkaren

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week