The FBI agents that will eventually search your basement
won’t be able to sleep for a very long time.
Said “large” today at Starbucks, and everyone starting chanting “Venti, Venti, Venti!” and a mass suicide occurred.
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Man I love unicorn mating season…
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!