“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
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*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.