said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
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*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
When they try to steal your moment.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.