Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
You Might Also Like
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
This came to me in a dream.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Breaking news:
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.