Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
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[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
The little toadstool has spoken.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Duck typos.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.