Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
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never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.