Saint West, the patron of selfies
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Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
can’t bark with your mouth full
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Somebody call the cops.