[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
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I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
A flock of dads is called a grill.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no