Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
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When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it