Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
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I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people