Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
You Might Also Like
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi