Salad is the decaf of food.
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Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
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sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…