Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
You Might Also Like
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
By the pound.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Confused owl: What?!
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.