@delusions_of

Salads don’t kill people. People who eat salads kill people.

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@thepaulahunt

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

@FU_TangClan

Darth Vader: I am your father

Odin: I am the all-father

God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit

Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break

@doublewenis

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

@bridger_w

Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields

@BuckyIsotope

*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*

@FrazzleMyGimp

[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]

@djdarrellripley

Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.

Her: Oh, you don’t drink?

Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…

@InternetHippo

*phone rings*
SATAN: Hey I bought your soul on Craigslist last week?
ME: No returns
SATAN: Please. It’s making me sad

@FlyJ_

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

@UncleDuke1969

COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.