Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
That’s enough internet for the day
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender