Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
You Might Also Like
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.