@BackrowSeats

Salads don’t kill people. People who eat salads kill people.

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@NewDadNotes

Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.

God: it could be worse.

Sea Turtle: how?

God: tell him crab.

Crab: my legs are delicious.

God: [nods] his legs are delicious.

@unmehlievable

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself

@C00LpenNAME

Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably

@HomeWithPeanut

Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.

@EyalTweet

*1st grade*

Teacher: Eyal, what have you got for show and tell today?

Me: A human tooth.

Teacher: Oh your tooth fell out!

Me: Nope.

Teacher:

Class:

Me: Perhaps it’s best we move on.

@Darlainky

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.

@sween

Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.

@FatherWithTwins

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

@Dutch_50

I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.

@phalguy

[At dentist]
Dentist: Any plans for the weekend?

Nnooiddtrrreeeskllyggfff

Dentist: I’m not doing anything either.