HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
You Might Also Like
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot