[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
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I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.