*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
You Might Also Like
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
yes… yes…
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.