*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
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Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
I think we should hear other voices.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.