@Abusitron

Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.

Customer: Really? I don’t like it.

Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT

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@meaghano

my son saw a cemetery and said “that’s where they plant ghosts”

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no

@Lisabug74

I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.

@3sunzzz

Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.

Me: Not until you turn the heat down.

@Aerostars4Sale

SPECIAL COLUMBUS DAY SALE: For $300 you can drive one of our vans into Canada and claim you discovered it.

@RamblingMachine

You know what’s sad? 3 of my team members dying of drinking poison and the last dying of a fractured neck because he didn’t drink the poison

@Moemontes

My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.