Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.

Customer: Really? I don’t like it.

Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT

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my son saw a cemetery and said “that’s where they plant ghosts”


ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile



I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.


Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.

Me: Not until you turn the heat down.


SPECIAL COLUMBUS DAY SALE: For $300 you can drive one of our vans into Canada and claim you discovered it.


You know what’s sad? 3 of my team members dying of drinking poison and the last dying of a fractured neck because he didn’t drink the poison


My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.