my son saw a cemetery and said “that’s where they plant ghosts”
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
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ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
SPECIAL COLUMBUS DAY SALE: For $300 you can drive one of our vans into Canada and claim you discovered it.
You know what’s sad? 3 of my team members dying of drinking poison and the last dying of a fractured neck because he didn’t drink the poison
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
[email protected] My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.