Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
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[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.