Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
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*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.