Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
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Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
me: why’d y’all put that man on the moon
nasa employee: no comments until after the tour please
me: why’d y’all put him up there
nasa employee: he asked too many questions
me: how many
nasa employee: four.
me: is that a lot
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Maybe next time i could meet your dog
Your dog is so cool
Do u mind if me & your dog hung out without you
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’