Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh

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“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner


Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.


I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband


me: why’d y’all put that man on the moon

nasa employee: no comments until after the tour please

me: why’d y’all put him up there

nasa employee: he asked too many questions

me: how many

nasa employee: four.

me: is that a lot


BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*


[1st date]
Maybe next time i could meet your dog

[2nd date]
Your dog is so cool

[3rd date]
Do u mind if me & your dog hung out without you


Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?


I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’