@AbbieEvansXO

Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh

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@pleatedjeans

“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner

@PetrickSara

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

@phoebe_bridgers

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

@Dustinkcouch

me: why’d y’all put that man on the moon

nasa employee: no comments until after the tour please

me: why’d y’all put him up there

nasa employee: he asked too many questions

me: how many

nasa employee: four.

me: is that a lot

@TheAndrewNadeau

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

@LaziestCanine

[1st date]
Maybe next time i could meet your dog

[2nd date]
Your dog is so cool

[3rd date]
Do u mind if me & your dog hung out without you

@Isyscupids

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

@Quartzjixler

I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’