My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
You Might Also Like
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
can’t bark with your mouth full
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling