@SortaBad

saleslady: can I help you
“yes, how many leg holes do these pants have?”
saleslady: ummm just the usual two
“nice, nice”

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@TheBoydP

I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.

@jessokfine

Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.

@junejuly12

Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.

Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.

@Mardigroan

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

@thesulk

How do male civil unions not end with the phrase “I dude”?

@terio1429

Corned beef and potatoes running aimlessly about on the playground.
-Hash Tag

@anildash

Eventually one of these Republican congressmen is going to find out his daughter is a woman, and then we’re all set.

@MisterBombay

Eighteen is too young to get married. You can’t even buy alcohol. If you can’t drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?

@Playing_Dad

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”