*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
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I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.