Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
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My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?