Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
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Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.