@ThugRaccoons

Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*

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@catstronomical

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

@AristotlesNZ

Dont lie about your job, just word it better.

Ex: “I handle client transactions at a fortune 500 multi-national corp”
vs
“I cashier at KFC”

@aveuaskew

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

@thedad

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

@KielyHealey

When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.

@bidenandobama

Biden: we could call it “Real Talk With Joebama”

Obama: do you even know how to make a podcast, Joe?

@TheAndrewNadeau

{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.

@3_livi

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

@gorrdano

If you’re going to attack me in an @, you better be prepared to give me like three hours or so to think of a good comeback.