salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
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Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that