@pro_worrier_

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.

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@alliejane_508

I once left a love note on the wrong car, so yeah, you should totally trust me with important paperwork.

@katiefzack

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

@Sorrowscopes

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

@AnOrangeSNES

Amazon review: Amazon river
?????

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.

@iGreenMonk

I got a dog and named it “Twenty Miles”. This way I can tell people that I walk twenty miles everyday.

@flashember

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

@robfee

Past elections: Which candidate will most improve our country?

2016 election: Which candidate is least likely to start The Purge?