Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
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Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?