[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
You Might Also Like
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.