@12spoopy11u

Sally sells seashells by the seashore. Her monopoly has left the seashore economy in shambles. 86% of hermit crabs are now homeless.

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@mstluvstrinkets

Anything I accomplish before I finish my first cup of coffee has been fueled by rage.

@pant_leg

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

@Odiegirl9

What’s the first thing you notice when someone walks up to you?

Me: The audacity.

@TheHyyyype

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

@dannynett

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

@kidnapped_jesus

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

@joeljeffrey

I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur. Needless to say, my gorgonzola salad was a huge let down.

@turboescortdude

3 y/o: I want a bagel
Me: We don’t have any
3 y/o: You’re a idiot
Me: How did you survive your abortion