Anything I accomplish before I finish my first cup of coffee has been fueled by rage.
Sally sells seashells by the seashore. Her monopoly has left the seashore economy in shambles. 86% of hermit crabs are now homeless.
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thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
What’s the first thing you notice when someone walks up to you?
Me: The audacity.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
If you’re happy and you know it, share your meds
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur. Needless to say, my gorgonzola salad was a huge let down.
3 y/o: I want a bagel
Me: We don’t have any
3 y/o: You’re a idiot
Me: How did you survive your abortion