Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
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My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
#math
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.