SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
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Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken