Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
You Might Also Like
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached