@chrellsangel

Salvador Dali’s body was once exhumed because of a paternity suit. I didn’t know they made those, but if it was so important, they shouldn’t have buried him in it.

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@sofarrsogud

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.

@jellybnbonanza

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

@Jamberee13

[Me in a horror movie]

*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*

@spanishbarbzz

put a net in the car so my dog wouldn’t distract me while driving 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

@envydatropic

Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.

I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.

@bourgeoisalien

The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair

@RexHuppke

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

@lazerdoov

Genie: I shall grant you three wis-

Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me

Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…

@BoogTweets

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.

@iGreenGod

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.