Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
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I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
The best shot in the history of golf
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
🤣🤣🤣
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys