[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
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My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying